


The Cabin

by raainthehouse



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Blood and Injury, Canon-Typical Violence, Dirty Talk, Dirty Talking Bucky Barnes, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Smut, James Bucky Barnes/Reader - Freeform, Nudity, Past Relationship(s), Protective Bucky Barnes, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:22:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,165
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29484381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raainthehouse/pseuds/raainthehouse
Summary: Jordan arrives to the safehouse, injured and ready to be saved, but when Bucky shows up, she's forced to look back at the "relationship" she had tried so hard to forget.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 4





	1. the scars

**Author's Note:**

> this is the first story ive ever written!! it wasn't supposed to be about bucky or the avengers but I've been rewatching all of the movies and he was how I pictured the man so oop, its now a shameless bucky story. i love feedback!!

Gritting your teeth, you sped through the cold mountains on the motorcycle you had managed to hijack, trying to recall the last time you felt this much adrenaline pumping through your system. The blood that ran through your veins pulsed along your arms and legs. If someone were to grab your arms you swore they would be able to feel the red liquid coming and going, rushing up and down. Every time your heart beat, blood raced to reach the long, diagonal cut that had torn your back open from left hip to right shoulder blade. The wind whipped your hair into your face and dragged tears from your eyes. The temperature was dropping fast as you desperately tried to recount some sort of memory to ground you before the adrenaline burned out and you were forced to feel the coldness penetrating your thin shirt. 

_He hesitantly looked between both of your eyes before they darted to your lips. You had anxiously been waiting for this moment since the very first time you had met as you lightly licked your lips, inviting, daring him to make the first move. He moved painstakingly slowly and backed you into the bed that sat behind you as he brought his warm right hand to your face, his cold left hand to your hip. As soon as the back of your thighs hit the bed, all sense of apprehension evaporated as he crashed his lips to yours. You moaned into his mouth and your hands tangled into his hair pulling harshly and he bent over you, his huge torso towering over you as he pulled you tightly to his body. He pulled his right hand away from your face to drag both hands around your hips and up your back, him being so large that he could easily wrap both his arms around you. Through all the lust and haze of kissing and touching and breathing together, the feelings of safety and security and longing and desire bled into your body. The built up tension that had grown over the past few months was spilling over into both of you as he pushed you fully back on the bed, walked over to the door, and slowly shut you in._

Panting as the memory faded, your ability to distract yourself weakened as you started to feel the burning and aching and sharpness of the gash on your back. You wildly evaluated where you were, thankful you did, as you took the sharp right turn you were about to miss off the main road. From here it was a short 10 minute drive to the safehouse but you worried you wouldn’t be able to make it as your vision was beginning to show stars along the edges. You didn’t know if it was the cold or the pain that was fucking with your vision and it worried you. Grimacing, you ignored the stars and the shooting pain in your right shoulder each time you turned, you pushed the bike to go faster and faster until you finally saw the familiar outline of the small cabin that stood 200 feet in front of you. Relief came as you began to slow down, a small smile forming on your lips before you mentally kicked yourself and wiped it away. Now is not the time for that. 

As you pulled up to the cabin and threw your leg off the bike, you assessed your situation and surroundings. 

You were alone, thankfully.  
You were cold, unsurprising as it was maybe only 30 degrees out. The sun hadn’t set yet so you knew it was going to drop even lower the later it got. It might even snow as you felt moisture in the air.  
You were in pain, unfortunately, but you realized the injury wasn't that bad as the pain was becoming manageable. Whether it was the cold creating a natural numbing solution or shock, you didn’t know.  
You were hungry. Shit. You didn’t know when someone had restocked the house last. You’d worry about it later.  
You recalled the last time you were at this cabin, the memory from the drive pulling at your head. That was 5 years ago and you kicked yourself for allowing that to be the memory that distracted you from the gash in your back.  
The gash in your back.

A new wave of hot pain flashed across your body. Groaning, you pushed yourself up the 3 steps to the door, took a quick look around, and flipped up one of the fake mounted squirrels next to the door to reveal a retinal scanner. Hoping your eye was still in the system, you held your breath as you stared into the scanner. The blue light scanned over your eye as FRIDAY said, “welcome back, Jordan,” and you let out the breath in relief. As you heard the lock click, you pushed your way into the cabin, closing and locking the door behind you. You debated on immediately calling Steve or treating your wound and chose the latter as you peered into the cabin. 

In front of you was a large living room/dining room/kitchen space. All of the furniture was covered in plastic to keep it fresh for whoever needed to use it. A large, L-shaped couch sat facing a wood-burning fireplace, and there was a large blank panel in the wall that you knew would reveal a 55 inch TV if you pressed a certain button on the remote on the coffee table. You slowly scanned the room to see if the place had been lived in recently but you quickly notice the fine sheet of dust that covered the plastic. 

To your left, you peered down the hallway that leads to one of the master bedrooms that held a king-size bed, a small TV, and a ledge by the bulletproof window that was wide enough for someone to sit on and peer out into the deep forest. The bathroom had two sinks and a jacuzzi style bathtub with a large shower that had two showerheads on each side. Huge cabinets hung above the toilet, too large for a normal home, but you knew that it stored all the medical equipment. The other bedroom was identical to this one and down the hallway to your right. 

You decided on the bedroom to your left and stumble to the bathroom. Rummaging through the cabinets, you grabbed Tony’s Reconstructive Extremis Salve and ripped off what was left of your shirt. Placing your hands on the counter, you forced yourself to look up and stare at your figure, topless in the mirror. You knew you weren't looking too good right now but your jaw slacked at just how disheveled you appeared. 

Jet black hair was falling out of its braid and pieces hung around your face, framing it not-so-nicely anymore. Your skin was sickly pale, freckles standing out absurdly against your skin, making it look rough and course. The bright blue eyes staring back at you had an almost animalistic and desperate look with your eyebrows pulled together like that. The purple half-moons stamped under your eyes had grown even darker to your chagrin and your eyes traveled down to your slim torso.

Fairly consistent anxiety left your traps always engaged as they stood out above your shoulders. You always liked how it made you look bigger and stronger as you were a relatively small person. Standing at 5’6, you had a petite body that was built for speed and short powerful bursts of strength, mostly coming from your legs. You always thought you had a nice figure, but you winced at the sight before you. Now as most of your muscles had diminished over the last few months your traps appeared to make you look more boney and harsher than usual. The bruises that littered your body didn't help. The scars you had stood out even more against your pale skin and you recounted each one.

The stab wound on the left side of your belly button.  
The burn scar that started under your left breast and hooked around under your left armpit.  
The small holes of the staples that had hastily clamped your skin back together across the middle of your torso.  
The full bite imprint on the right side of your stomach from that man who had gone insane while that militia group held you both captive a few years back. 

You always felt rather proud of your scars. It showed off your determination to always finish a mission, to always push on no matter the harm to your body. You would sacrifice yourself and your body over anything and anyone to get the job done. 

Shaking your head to physically tear the memories away from your brain, you turned to look at your back and let out a small gasp. Since you hadn't completely bled out on the drive to the cabin you knew it wouldn't be as bad as the pain it produced, but you were still in awe at just how large the wound was. The scar would be at least a foot and a half long across your back and you gagged at the sight. The top half of your back was clean and the bottom half mattified completely red with blood as it had stopped flowing and hardened against your skin. Taking a few deep breaths you cursed as you picked up Tony’s Reconstructive Extremis Salve again and spread some onto your fingers. Just as you were about to spread it onto your back you heard the front door open.


	2. fucking bucky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have about 4 chapters done right now so I'm posting all of them now before i start working on the next ones!! lemme know what u guys think :)

Heart in your throat, you silently screamed at yourself as you reached for your pistol... wait where is your pistol? Panic rose like bile as you dashed into the bedroom and hid under the bed. You tried to recall where you had misplaced it and paled as you remembered you left it on the bike in your haste to clean up your wound. Berating yourself over and over, you started to think of a plan. First, you would wait for the intruder to walk into the bedroom. Then, you'd reach out and grab both of their feet to yank their legs out from underneath them. Then you’d twist one of their ankles harshly, efficiently breaking it to destabilize them as you-

“Jordan?” 

You almost sobbed with relief. Almost. 

“In here!” you yelled back, slowly pulling yourself out from underneath the bed. 

As you stood up and glanced at him, you heard a sharp intake of breath. You almost smiled at who you were staring at. Almost. 

James Buchanan Barnes stood in front of you in all his beautiful glory. The guarded look in his eyes widened for a moment as he glanced down at your exposed torso. You blushed (you’d scold yourself for that later) and turn to the bathroom to finish what you started. In the same moment, you remembered the gash in your back and you heard Bucky say, 

“Jesus Christ, Jordan what the fuck happened to your back?” 

You groaned as your knee gave out, falling into a lunge position. Bucky moved behind you and grabbed your arm as he hoisted you up, pulling you into the bathroom. 

“Straddle the toilet.”

“What? Why?”

“Just do it.”

You grumbled, doing as you were told. Straddling the toilet, you faced away from him and hugged the tank. He picked up Tony’s salve and you sensed him settle on his knees behind you. You knew pain was coming next and attempted to distract yourself by filling the silence. 

“So, Bucky, long time no see huh?”

Nothing. You heard him opening the salve.

You frowned and try again.

“It’s honestly good you showed up because I didn’t know if I was going to be able to reach the middle of my-,”

You gasped and cursed as you felt him spread the salve on your gash with his flesh hand. The pain was starting again and you couldn't hold back the whimper that escaped your throat as you felt your skin begin to slowly mend itself back together. It was unlike anything you had ever felt before and you drew blood from your lip trying to not make any noise. His fingers continued to spread the salve up your back until it finally reached your right shoulder. Tears threatened to escape as you dug your nails into your arm and shut your eyes as tight as you could. 

Bucky grimaced to himself as you continued to struggle and shake from the salve. He's used Tony’s stuff before and knew the exact thing you were feeling but didn’t know if he could do anything to make you feel any better. Your relationship wasn’t exactly… something that made this an easy situation. He hadn't touched you since that mission 5 years ago that led you both into the bedroom on the right side of the cabin. Shaking the memory from his head, he got up and took the cellphone out of his pocket. He pressed 2 on speed dial and after one short ring, Steve answered. 

“Is she okay? Was she hurt? What happened?”

“Calm down Steve, she’s fine. Well, she's fine now. She has a gash in her back that's about a foot and a half long,”

He glanced back at you to find you slowly starting to reopen your eyes, the gash now turning into an angry, long, red welt across your back. You still had dried blood painting the lower half of your body and he winced.

“Jesus, how'd she make it to the safehouse? And are you going to be fine taking care of her?”

Bucky ignored him, “Steve it’s fine, we’ll probably have to stay here for at least one night though, I don’t think she's going to be able to travel very efficiently in her state, it looks like she lost a lot of blood.”

You grunted at him and narrowed your eyes. He turned to find you glaring at him and he held up a finger to his lips.

“Sweetheart, don’t interrupt me when I’m on the phone.”

Your cheeks heated up at the pet name, but you rolled your eyes at him and started to slowly pry yourself away from the toilet.

He heard Steve’s stern voice come from the other end of the line,  
“Bucky, don’t be a dick to her. I know you guys have your history but she’s been through a lot since then. Unlike you, I’ve kept in contact with her since she left and she’s been through the wringer. Don’t fuck this up, I’ll send a team to collect you guys as soon as I can.”

“Copy that, Captain.”

With his eyebrows furrowed at the mention of your history, he slammed the phone shut and looked back over at you. You had managed to stand up and were attempting to put on your mangled, blood-stained shirt back on. 

“Jordan, that really isn’t a shirt anymore, here,”

You looked at Bucky and tried to keep your eyes trained on his face as he used one hand to grip at the nape of his shirt and pulled it over his head in one swift motion. His godly torso stood in front of you and in a moment of weakness, you gazed at it while you snatched the shirt away from him. 

“I’d take a shower before you put my shirt on though, I don’t want you to ruin it.”

You glared back up at his eyes, questions on your tongue as you watched him and his steely, stupid, handsome face, slowly back out of the room. 

“Bucky?”

“Yeah?”

“You have a lot of explaining to do when I’m done showering.”

His face slowly contorted into a grimace as he hmphed and left the room. Once he shut the door you took one long, deep shuddering breath. You just stood there for a minute, taking in everything that happened in the last few hours, and attempted to figure out what went wrong.


	3. recollection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything italicized is a flashback to what happened to jordans back!! I've never written action sequences before so pls go easy on me.

**5 HOURS EARLIER**  
_You were so close to being done with this mission. Only a few more days to go as you were being transferred to the prison. You were finally going to meet the ringleader._

_When Steve contacted you asking for your help with a mission that required an unknown face going undercover as a high-risk drug dealer you immediately accepted. You were tasked with figuring out who was running the whole operation as no one knew exactly who the ringleader was. Months preparing and gaining trust from low-risk dealers allowed you to rise in the ranks of the drug community. You intentionally let some of your talents be known as you brutally injured a few dealers who were causing trouble on your domain. The men you hurt were huge, burly, scary men to the normal eye, but with a few tricks up your sleeve, you basically left them for dead for all to see. It soon became known that if you messed with this girl, you'd get your shit rocked. Because of your anonymity, dealers decided to create a name for you, the White Raven._

_Once you made a big enough impact in the drug community you began to receive messages from the ringleader himself. You found out he was in a high-security prison a few states away, but still managed to run the entire drug trafficking ring. Honestly, you were impressed. He begged to meet the darling White Raven and you knew in order to get close to him to gather intel, you had to get yourself arrested._

_You got arrested and were being transferred to prison, finally after all these months of preparation. You were surprised to see that it was an old school bus that picked you up, but thought nothing of it as you had been driving for more than 6 hours and switched vehicles twice. Allowing yourself a few moments of weakness as you closed your eyes for a few seconds, you got that feeling. That sickening feeling that something was about to go wrong. Cracking your eyes, you watched as the bus driver glanced at you in the rearview. The two guards on the bus glanced at you. The two other prisoners on the bus glanced at you. With one steady breath, you got ready._

_The bus driver slammed on his breaks causing you to lurch forward, your face hitting the cushion in front of you. You quickly recovered and ducked down between the seats just in time as the guard swung his baton right where your head had been. On your back on the floor, you kicked your legs up, hard, and set the guard flying into the other aisle, his head smashing into the side of the bus, knocking him out cold. You sat up and watched as both prisoners started running towards you from the back of the bus. You glanced towards the other guard at the front of the bus who was raising his gun towards you, ready to shoot. Timing his shot, you hesitate for a split second, and when you saw his finger start to squeeze the trigger, you ducked down and rolled to the other side of the bus._

_The guard didn’t realize in his haste to shoot you one of the prisoners was in his direct line of sight, and he was shot once in the chest. You pushed yourself up and wrapped your handcuffed hands around the second prisoner's neck, pulling him down on top of you. You choked him out as you heard the guard run towards you and when he arrived in front of you, gun drawn, he shot into your shield of a prisoner 4 times as you forcibly pushed off the ground with him, and shoved him into the guard. The guard dropped his gun as they fell so you lunged for it, snatching it, and raised it towards the bus driver._

_He saw the gun raised and in a panic, slammed his foot on the gas and you were thrown back into the middle aisle. In all of the commotion wrestling with the guards, a piece of metal had been dislodged from the seats, poking out into the aisle and as you fell, it caught the skin on your back. Horrified, you felt your skin split apart as it tore through your entire back and you slammed down into the ground. Adrenaline and instinct took over and you shot every body you could see swiftly through the head._

_As your last shot exploded through the bus driver's head into the windshield, his dead foot pressed even harder onto the gas pedal. With body’s blocking your exit point you looked up towards the roof, unlatched the emergency exit, and pulled yourself up out of the bus. You had to jump off before the bus picked up too much speed so you threw yourself off, hoping you would hit something soft. Luckily, you hit some grass and rolled out of your fall, watching as the bus kept driving off into the gully that laid to your right._

_You looked around and saw basically nothing. You were in the middle of what looked like farmland, there was a small gully with a creek to your right, and to your left was all green grass and pastures. You shoot through the handcuffs and cursed to yourself, starting to feel the familiar threat of anxiety creep up into your bones when you heard a small humming coming from behind you. Turning around, still clutching the gun you took from the guard, you watched as a civilian on a motorcycle drove up to you. You hastily hid the gun in the waistband of your pants and attempted to plaster a convincing smile on your face. As he drove up, the look on his face made you uneasy, like he was literally licking you with his eyes. Gross._

_“Hey there darlin’, are you doin’ alright? You look a little banged up.”_

_You eyed the stranger, ultimately deciding not to respond._

_“Small thang like you shouldn’t be out this far in the country. No one comes out around here unless ya live here. If you want I could take ya back to my farm a few miles thata way.”_

_He motioned behind him and you saw as his jacket pulled up he had a gun strapped to his waist. A sleek, black pistol, identical to the one in your waistband. You reacted. Brought your gun up while he wasn’t looking and you shot him right between the eyes. Scorching anger had taken over and you didn't regret it._

_"No thanks sugar, but I'll take your bike.”_

_Gaining a lot of worried looks from people as you rode into town, covered in blood, you found out where you were and stared at the location and rolled your eyes._

_“Of course I’m here, of all fucking places.”_

_You knew there was a safehouse nearby that you could stay but you groaned and grumbled as the image of that cabin came into your mind. Great._

As the hot water ran down your back you sigh in relief as it ran over the fresh, but angry scar that ran across your back. It didn’t sting and you made a mental note to thank Tony for his giant brain. You're still angry and confused as to why your mission went south but decided to call Steve once you got out of the shower, enjoying it too much not to think about anything else but the feeling of soap on your skin.

Once you scraped off all the dried blood on you and got properly clean, you got out of the shower and dried off. You guiltily revel in Bucky’s scent as you pulled his shirt on over your head. You went into the bedroom to find emergency underwear and sweats in the closet before pulling them on and marching out into the living room, determined to find out why Bucky was here. 

Bucky was sitting on the couch waiting for water to boil in the kettle when he heard you turn off the shower. He couldn’t get over how different you looked standing there, topless in front of him. You were skinnier but you looked just as deadly as you used to. You were one of the most ruthless people he had ever sparred with, sacrificing your body to prove that you were more than just the Avengers pilot. He respected that about you. The thought caused a small smile to coat his face but he quickly wiped it away. Now is not the time for that.

You looked feral as you eyed him, full of disdain and regret and surprise. But you almost looked relieved? That surprised him. You didn’t know, but your eyes were the most expressive things he has ever seen. He spent weeks trying to figure out what hid behind them; you were never good with words, but your eyes gave your emotions away in an instant. He sighed as the kettle began to whistle. He got up and grabbed an Earl Grey teabag out of the cabinet and began to make your favorite tea. His brow furrowed and waited for you to come out, anxiously waiting for the conversation he had been avoiding for so long.


	4. it's blizzard time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy a tiny bit of ooooo lala, this is my first time ever writing smut oof, critique is welcomed!

Marching into the living room, determined to start hurling questions at Bucky, the words died at your lips when you saw him. He stood in the kitchen with a cup of tea in his hands. Earl Grey filled your nostrils. The small smile that crept onto your face didn’t go unnoticed by Bucky as he strode over to you and shoved it into your hands. 

“What, you didn’t think I would remember your favorite tea? This shit is gross and you’re the only one who would drink it at the tower.”

“Oh bite me Bucky, it’s not that bad.”

You took a big swig and,

“Ahhhhhhh….. now that’s the stuff,”

A small chuckle escaped him and he motioned to the couch. You sat in silence for a few minutes as you sipped your tea, all semblance of anger slowly thawing out as you felt it run down your throat into your stomach. He was safe from interrogation. For now. 

“Shit, I need to call Steve,” you groaned as you flipped up the arm of the couch, finding a disposable cell phone hidden in the bottom. You recounted to him everything that happened from as soon as you got on the first bus to when you got to the cabin. 

“Sheesh Jordie, I’m really sorry I got you into this mess. I have no idea what went wrong but I promise I’ll do everything I can to get to the bottom of it and get you home safe.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows at the nickname and a smirk formed on his lips. A flick to his forehead shushed him.

“Thanks Stevie. Oh, and I’m assuming you’re the one who called Bucky telling him I’m at the safehouse? I would’ve appreciated a heads up he was gonna be here, I almost killed him!!”

Bucky scoffed and leaned in towards you to talk into the phone, “Steve, she was practically naked and completely defenseless under the bed when I showed up- OUCH!!!” 

You smacked him hard in the chest. The familiar sense of warmth started to creep back into your chest as he gave his big belly laugh. Ah shit.

“Yea yea, I’m sorry Jordie. When I realized you didn’t hit your checkpoint I assumed, if you weren’t dead, you were going to the cabin and I knew Bucky was in the area so I sent him to check on you. I promise it was all good intentions, I just needed to know you were okay.”

You heard his apologetic tone and sighed.

“It’s fine Stevie really. Just send a team to come grab us ASAP please, I really don’t wanna spend more time than I need to here. 

Bucky feigned hurt as you rolled your eyes at him.

“Uhh, yea, about that. The weather up where you guys are looks like it’s gonna get really bad within the next few hours. Like blizzard bad. I’m not sure when we’re gonna be able to fly in there safely so plan to be there for at least 2 nights.”

A small huff of air escaped your teeth as you glanced at Bucky; even he looked a little put off by the information. Even though you two had been in good spirits moments before, you knew prolonged contact only meant one thing. Communication and confrontation. And you both felt the dread creeping in. 

“Fine Steve, just hurry your ass up.”

“Okay Jordie, sorry ag-” you cut him off snapping the phone shut. Great. Two nights in THE cabin with Bucky. Here we fucking go.

Pushing yourself up from the couch, causing Bucky to flinch, you wandered over to the kitchen. Looking outside into the night you saw that Steve was right, snow was starting to fall as the wind whipped through the trees. With a sigh, you turn to Bucky, about to ask about the food situation when your stomach let out a low growl. Bucky chuckled and sauntered over to the kitchen. 

“Hungry?”

“I haven’t eaten in about 24 hours so yes, I would say that. Do you know if we have any food here?”

“Let me check, I think we might have some pasta or something.”

As he walked towards the pantry you shamefully watch him as he cruised over and started sorting through the food in the pantry. His body moved with such confidence and poise you had to tear your eyes away as unbridled memories began to stir. 

_He walked towards the bed with such a hunger in his eyes, you almost felt scared as he sunk to his knees before you. You were both still fully clothed from the mission and he made slow, agonizing work of stripping them from your body. He reached up to your stomach and pressed his face into the sensitive part between your belly button and hip bone. Your hips bucked as he slowly kissed down your clothed right leg, feeling his teeth rough against your leggings. Whining as he slowly slid both hands down, he took the waistband of your leggings and slowly dragged them down, leaving your underwear intact for now._

_He threw them to the side and slowly started kissing the inside of your thighs, eyes never leaving your center. You're sure he can see the dampness seeping through your underwear. What he did next was the hottest, most unexpected thing in the world. He started fucking talking._

_“All of this for me? Sweetheart, I didn’t even think you liked me but look at you, soaking your little panties just for me, do you like it when I tease you like this?”_

_Gaping at him, your head swam wtih lust and you try to force yourself to answer as he traced his fingers lightly down to your calves. In your hesitation, instead of reeling it back, he pushes further._

_“I think I asked you a question sweetheart,” he slowly moved back up your body until his face is level with yours. In one swift movement, his flesh hand lightly wrapped around your neck, forcing you to stare into his eyes while his metal hand palmed your pussy. Gasping for breath at the cold sensation at your center he whispered in your ear,_

_“I’m waiting for an answer, pretty girl. Is this all for me? Answer now.”_

_“Yes, oh my God yes, it’s all for you, only for you. Please-”_

_In one swift motion, he’s kissing you and ripping your underwear off, effectively ruining the pair. Already forgotten, he started to touch your pussy, so slowly, achingly. You arched into him wanting more friction and gasped out,_

_“Please Bucky, I n-need you, please touch me, I c-can’t, please James-”_

_As you used his real name he literally _growls_ in your ear and sunk his fing-_

“Jordan? You good over there?”

You physically shook your head to rid yourself of the horny memory as you realized you’d completely zoned out staring at the counter thinking about his fingers inside you while he had started cooking pasta. Jesus, Jordan. Get a hold of yourself. 

With heated cheeks and a tighter core, you met his eyes and said, “Uhhhh shit, yea sorry Bucky, it’s been a long day.” God, what a terrible excuse, he had to know something is up with you.

You held his gaze for a second longer than comfortable before he ultimately ignored you and turned back to dinner. This time, you welcomed it.


	5. tequila equals confrontation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in my little parallel marvel universe, imagine that most of the avengers are cold to bucky. they don't trust that he is 100% on their side yet.  
> this is a little longer than the others and I'm realizing I do a ton of flashbacks, if anything gets confusing pls lemme know!

While you ate pasta on the couch, the wind outside violently shook the trees. The sounds the wind created made anxiety begin creeping into your shoulders as you stared outside. The snow had begun to fall while Bucky was cooking, coating the ground with white, wet slush. Deciding a distraction was needed, you grabbed the remote to turn on the TV but at that moment, the power shut off. Plunged into blackness, you both held your breath, waiting, as the backup generator clicked on and dim light lit up the living room. Looking around, you couldn’t hold back a few loud, shaky breaths in an attempt to calm yourself down. 

“You alright?” Bucky asked you, concern etching into his face. 

“It’s fine, I’m fine, don’t ask me again,” you said too quickly, angry at yourself for showing him any sort of vulnerability. 

“No need to bite my head off, damn,” his concern evaporated, transforming into annoyance. 

You slowly turned to him, your anger now darkening your eyes. 

“I need a drink.”

Stalking over to the kitchen you scrounged for something, anything to get your mind off the wind howling in your ears and the annoying, stupid, handsome man sitting on the couch. You found tequila. Pursing your lips you recall the few times you’ve drunk tequila and all you found is agitation and anger. Maybe you should look for something else to calm your nerves.

“Are you gonna keep staring at the bottle or are you gonna come over and share?” 

Alright. Agitation and anger it is. 

You stalked back to him, throwing yourself on the couch. Cracking open the bottle, you take a long, deep swig, liquid falling out of your mouth and dripping down your throat. The burn going down your esophagus created immediate relief as you wiped the excess liquid off your skin with the back of your hand. Turning to him, you caught his eyes latched on your throat, tongue between his teeth as he hastily looked up at your sudden movement. Blushing, he snatched it from you and did the same. 

This is how you sit for the next 10 minutes. Each taking swig after swig. You could feel your anxiety leaving your shoulders as the alcohol slowly took effect. The wind didn't make you tense anymore and the man next to you didn't feel quite as intimidating. 

The tension in the room was thick, so of course, you had to make it worse. 

“I’m assuming you remember the last time we were in this cabin,” he sputtered at this, tequila falling from his mouth as he looked at you. With a quick nod, you keep going before the nerves took over, 

“Me too. I was hoping for the rest of my life I wouldn’t have to remember what happened here, and what happened afterward. I did a pretty good job at repressing that. But now here we are, alone together again.” 

His eyes burned into the side of your face, intently listening to every word as you pushed on. 

“I’m still angry at you, Bucky. I’m really fucking angry. I don’t understand why, after you fucked me, you left me,” you noticed him wince and turn away, “that was a really fucked up thing to do. When we woke up I was expecting something to come out of that night, not even a relationship or anything but something. But all I got was you looking at me with contempt and confusion like you didn’t feel all the same things I felt that night.” 

At this point, he sagged down further into the couch. He wasn’t looking at you anymore so you peeked at his face, noticing his eyebrows were furrowed, his mouth shut in a thin line. 

“You didn’t give me an explanation or any semblance of why you would shut me out and it really, really sucked. Like really fucking sucked. You remember once we got back to the tower I kept coming to your door for the next few nights, right?” 

He gave you a slight nod, and you saw his eyes soften. 

“Bucky, even though I was expecting something, I wasn’t trying to force you into anything, you know that, right?”

Another slight nod. Hoping your questions would draw out more small responses, you pressed on. 

“Was it the relationship? Did we go too fast?” 

“No Jordan-“

“Was the sex not good or something?”

“Jesus, no let me-“ 

“Did you regret it? Oh God, that’s what it is, huh? You regretted it, damn-“

“No, Jordan I didn’t regret it, and still don’t-“

“Fine, then was it me? Am I not good enough for you?”

“NO! Definitely not, you’re talking nonsense.” 

“THEN TELL ME WHY BUCKY,” you cried out, voice echoing through the house. You looked in his eyes, searching for answers, desperation painted your face, and remorse filled his. His jaw twitched, his teeth ground together. He turned away. 

Taking a deep breath at his silence, every emotion swiped off your face, 

“If you’re not going to talk to me, fine. I’m not going to sit around here and try and drag it out of you. Thanks for dinner.” 

Standing up, you grabbed his empty bowl and started the dishes. Forcing your feelings down you turned the water all the way up, burning your hands as you washed the sauce away. 

With your back to Bucky, you don’t see the internal battle he was having on the couch. He clenched and unclenched his fists, taking deep breaths as the storm in his head brewed. He knew he needed to just spit it out, but it was too fucking difficult. _“Feelings aren’t something to be ashamed of,”_ he heard Steve’s voice ringing in his head, _“you know how empathetic she is, just talk to her.”_

He remembered how kind you were to him when you first showed up at the Avengers tower 5 and a half years ago. Everyone, except Steve, would walk on eggshells around him, scared and intimidated of the ruthless Winter fucking Soldier. He carried that shame with him, a heavy burden on his shoulders, and then you showed up and soaked it all out of him.

**5 AND A HALF YEARS EARLIER**  
_Bucky sat alone against the wall in the furthest corner of the common room, not his choice but no one seemed to want to sit next to him. Everyone waited anxiously for Tony to arrive with the news he had been hiding for the last few days. Steve and Natasha shared the love seat in front of the TV, Wanda and Vision sprawled on the floor in front of the bookcase, and Bruce and Sam were thumb wrestling on the couch._

_He heard you before he saw you. Tony’s footsteps sound down the hallway along with barely-there ones walking right behind him. As the door swung open, Bucky stared. You were not at all what he expected._

_You stood a few inches shorter than Tony, dressed in tight, black combat clothing, your thick, wild hair blending into the fabric. He immediately noticed the abundance of freckles spread across your entire face, stark in contrast to your pale skin. Bright eyes sliced through the apprehension in the room as you took in everyone’s eyes on you. You were so petite, but as you took a step forward, Bucky saw the strength radiate off you, your thighs tensing as you walked up right next to Tony. Hands clasped behind your back, he saw your strong shoulders flex underneath the fabric of your shirt, chest jutting out. He didn’t think anyone could match Tony’s confidence, but here you were, commanding the room._

_“Everyone, this is Jordan, she’ll be joining our team as our designated pilot, but don’t underestimate her. Her other skills basically match Natasha’s so I wouldn’t get on her bad side.”_

_Bucky watched the blush creep up your neck, the only sign that you were nervous, and you gave a small wave,_

_"It’s a pleasure to meet you all, I look forward to working with you.”_

_Bucky held his breath as your eyes wandered to his, expecting you to falter at the sight of the infamous Winter Soldier, but your eyes almost… softened? Now that he wasn’t expecting._

_Steve immediately walked over to you, formally introducing himself and each of the others followed suit. Bucky watched from afar as you gracefully made conversation and said something that made Sam and Bruce laugh. Natasha walked up to you with poise, commenting that she finally had a worthy opponent to spar with, and Bucky’s stomach twisted at the noise that left your lips, your laugh filling the room as you shamelessly agreed. He turned to leave the room, embarrassed by the feelings you gave him when he heard Natasha say,_

_“Well, except maybe the Soldiat over there, he’s the only one that puts up a fair fight.”_

_Bucky tensed and turned back towards the room, all eyes on him as he eyed you warily._

_“Ah yes, the famous James Buchanan Barnes,” he noted that you didn’t refer to him by his assassin surname and you didn't look at his metal hand peeking out from under his sleeve. The tension in his torso relaxed slightly._

_You walked over to him with a kind smile on your face and asked, “so, what should I call you? James Buchanan Barnes is a mouthful and James is too formal for me to be honest with you.”_

_Everyone’s eyebrows slightly raised at the thoughtful question as they looked at Bucky. He was surprised you even asked him as no one had thought to when he showed up a few months ago. They either called him Soldiat thanks to Nat, or Barnes, which he didn’t really like but didn’t want to come off as harsh correcting them._

_With an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his chest, he noticed you had blue eyes._

_“Bucky. You can call me Bucky.”_


	6. introductions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i tried to make the fighting as clear as possible but I don't know how its coming off as lmao, I hope you guys like it!!

With a small huff, Bucky turned back to the kitchen, your name on his lips, ready to cooperate when he heard your bedroom door slam. Fuck, he had taken too long to speak and now you were probably fuming in your room. He checked the time and realized it was late, you were probably exhausted from your day. He’d try to talk to you tomorrow, hoping you’d still hear him out despite the way he hurt you. Wrapping his arms around himself, he pushed himself off the couch and made his way to the other bedroom across the house. 

Hugging yourself felt good, it gave you a sense of comfort as you try to calm yourself down. As soon as you closed the bedroom door, the tequila pulled all your emotions out and you sank to the ledge by the window, back against the cool pane. Your shoulders tensed as you quickly whipped your body around to stare into the darkness outside. Beginning to feel the anxiety rise in your chest, you yanked the blackout curtains shut to hide from the looming woods. The panic kept rising, along with the tequila, so you ran to the bathroom, and forced yourself to puked into the toilet, making you feel only slightly better. 

You threw open the cabinets above the toilet. Lavender Epsom salt stood out so you grabbed the package and turned on the water for the jacuzzi, hoping a bath would help diminish the anxiety creeping into your body. Once too hot water filled the tub, you stripped down and fully submerged yourself in. You scooped a handful of salt, sprinkled it around, and ran it through your fingers, feeling it dissolve. Deep breaths fill your chest. In and out. In and out. The lavender filled your nose and your traps disengaged slowly and painfully. The scar on your back didn't sting anymore. Everything calmed down in your head. Finally. Okay. This is okay. Your mind went blank for a few minutes as you soaked in the scent and the warm water, not realizing as sleep took over. 

_You were so nervous on your first day at the tower. What was everyone like? Would they accept you into the team? Tony kept telling you to relax but meeting literal superheroes was almost too much to handle. He had to remind you multiple times that you were just as talented and important as they were with your skillset and that calmed you down. Slightly._

_After you met everyone, and his steely blue eyes cemented themselves into your brain, Tony took you to your new room. Well, it was basically your own apartment, it was huge! He left you to explore it after he told you that everyone would be down in the training center sparring if you wanted to join._

_“No pressure, but I think everyone wants to see how good you are. Prove to them I made the right choice in recruiting you,” he said, shooting a wink at you as he shut your door._

_Your mind immediately pictured Bucky. Damn, that man was even more attractive and broody in person. He was the main cause of your nervousness; you did plenty of research on his history before you arrived at the tower and your heart fell for him. If you were able to, you’d travel back in time and torture Dr. Zola in the most sinister ways possible, dragging it out and making him suffer._

_Shaking off the violence, you decided to indulge Tony and figured the outfit you showed up in was good enough for sparing. Glancing in the mirror, you took in your form. All torso and shoulders, you felt taller than you actually were, and meeting Natasha, Bruce and Tony didn’t help. She stood shorter than you by a few inches and Tony and Bruce only a few inches taller. You marveled at how seeing them on TV created a misconstrued perception of how big they really were. They were all so much smaller than you had expected, and it humanized them immediately. Sam was the only one who seemed exactly how you had pictured him, the most human out of all of them. The opposite reaction occurred when you met the super soldiers' Steve and Bucky. Those men were really fucking huge._

_You were a bundle of nerves as you made your way down to the training center. This day was not a day you had ever seen in your future, but here you were, about to spar with the world's greatest assassins and soldiers. Peeking your head in, Sam and Nat were sparring and the camaraderie they had shown in the common room was nowhere to be found._

_The first thing you noticed was how much bigger Sam was than Nat. He was no Steve or Bucky, but he still seemed impossibly large compared to her tiny figure and you watched as his right elbow came down to strike her, surly going to painfully connect with her shoulder- but oh? You watched her dodge impossibly fast to the left as she dashed to his side, hooked her right arm under his right armpit, gripping his shoulder as she jumped off the ground, pulling her legs up, using his arm as leverage to swing her right leg up and around his neck to then yank her entire body back down, bringing them both to the floor with a grunt. Before he could even react, her thighs were wrapped around his throat and she had a death grip on his right arm; if her grip were to tighten to pull his arm straighter, she would snap it. It was incredible._

_“I yield, I YIELD NAT, Jesus!” With a smirk, she released him and rolled away, popping up to spot you peering around the corner, mesmerized by the show._

_“Hey pretty lady!! You wanna join?” She asked you as you began walking over to them._

_You weren’t sure if you wanted to quite yet, apprehension filling your body as everyone turned to look at you, expectation filling the room. You spotted Bucky, and he seemed to be the only one not looking sweaty and tired._

_“The Soldiat over there was about to spar with me after I kicked Sam's ass,”_

_“Hey!!” Sam was definitely salty about their fight._

_“But, I’m sure you could hold your own against him,” she finished with a mischievous look in her eyes._

_Hesitating, you glanced at Bucky, noticing he already had his eyes trained on you. Unsure on whether or not to accept the spar on his behalf, Steve spoke up before you could,_

_“Ah man, I dunno Nat. I don’t think she should go up against him so soon. Wouldn’t want to scare her off on her first day here.”_

_Your eyes snapped to him. Glowering, you snatched hand wraps from a nearby bench and walked into the ring._

_“I’m ready for it if you are Bucky,” you said to him, hoping he would accept so you could show the team just how scary you could be, even if the thought of fighting the Winter Soldier made your knees weak._

_Never back down from a mission right?_

_You heard him sigh under his breath as he joined you in the ring._

_In your haste to prove yourself, you missed the side conversation shared between Nat and Steve, the corners of their lips slightly pulling up as they spoke._

_“10 bucks on the new girl,” schemed Nat._

_“Oh, you’re on sweetcheeks.”_

_Everyone was cheering for you. You and Bucky had been neck and neck with each other for the last 20 minutes, both just as skilled as one another, and both unable to find a weakness. Unfortunately, you were getting more and more winded as sweat dripped down your face, and he seemed to still be fresh as a daisy as you watched his every move and slowly circled him._

_He was impossibly quick and agile for his size, blocking your every jab, punch, and kick, using his flesh arm more than his metal one. You realized he was probably trying to keep that one away from you as he didn’t want to hurt you, but that made you more determined to find a weak point and exploit it._

_People don’t go easy on you when they’re trying to kill you._

_Shutting out your cheering fans, you took a deep breath and moved back towards him, throwing a kick at his torso. He blocked it, throwing it to the side and you used that momentum to throw your fist at his groin. Interpreting that, he moved his leg to the side so you smashed your fist into his muscular thigh and he snatched that wrist with his metal hand._

_With a short intake of breath, as he actually had you in his grasp instead of deflecting you, you looked up at his face with a scared expression and he met your gaze, your faces only inches apart. His concentration faltered at your sudden closeness and the apprehension painted in your eyes and he weakened his grip on your wrist just long enough for you to wrench your hand out of his grasp._

_You showed off a shit-eating grin as you simultaneously use his bent knee to vault yourself up, hooking your elbow under his neck and you twist behind his back and force him into a headlock. You wrapped your strong legs around his upper back, locking your ankles together, and tighten your hold on his neck, choking him as hard as you could, knowing he’s very capable of throwing you off at any moment. He reached behind him to grab your waist and you tensed, ready for him to chuck you across the ring but he… didn’t? Holding your waist, he gave you a slight tap, signaling that he yields. Confused, you lessened your grip and slid off._

_Without even giving you a chance to ask why he yielded, he walked out of the ring, grabbed his stuff, and walked out. What the fuck. Breathing heavily, you turned to the others looking for an answer but they had the same confused look as you did._

_Steve angrily slid Nat a 10 when you looked away._  
_This did not sit well with you. At all. You were used to sparring against men and them either beating the shit out of you or you beating the shit out of them, not them yielding when you caught them in a weak moment. Usually, it’s black and white when you spar but Bucky mucked it all up. In the shower, you got angrier and angrier as you asked yourself questions as to why he would do that._

_Why would he yield like that?_  
_Did you choke him too hard?_  
_Was he getting tired? No, he’s a fucking super soldier and you’re just a human._  
_Was he upset that you got the best of him?_  
_Or embarrassed?_  
_Was it because you faked being scared that he had you in his metal hand?_  
_Or because you used that to your advantage?_

_Oh._

_Maybe seeing the way you reacted to his arm made him recoil and he actually thought he scared you. That would make anyone feel bad. God damnit. That was probably it. Now you felt really fucking bad._

_Maybe you should go apologize. Or at least explain to him that you were just trying to exploit a weakness, you were just trying to win._

_As you got out of the shower you checked the time and figured it was still early enough for you to go try to apologize. You combed through your knotted hair and threw on shorts and a T-shirt. You finally found his room and stood outside his door for a second while you tried to figure out what you were going to say to him. When you were about to knock, he swung the door open, one hand on the handle and one hand upon the door frame._

_God, he was fucking gorgeous._

_“Er, hey Bucky, I was actually about to knock-”_

_“I know, I heard you. Super soldier, remember?”_

_You noted the slight amusement dance across his eyes before he seemed to check himself and they steeled over,_

_“Ha, yeah, I almost forgot,” you offered him a sly smile, “uh, I actually came here to apologize to you,” you registered a look of confusion coating his face that only got deeper when you said, “I realized in the shower that I probably shouldn’t have exploited your arm like that. I know what you went through to get it and I know how much pain it’s probably caused you, so for a new person to come in here and act like they were scared when you grabbed them with it-”_

_“Wait, acted? You weren’t actually scared?” he interrupted._

_“Uh yea, no. I noticed you were barely using it to deflect or hit me and I realized that was because you probably just didn’t want to hurt me. Once I figured that, I used it to my advantage to make it seem like you actually did hurt me with it, or at least made it seem like maybe I thought you were going to hurt me with it when you grabbed me, and I guess it worked because you faltered and then I got you in that headlock… what?”_

_His look of confusion had been taken over by a look of… appreciation?_

_He stared at you for what seemed like an eternity until he finally let a small, shy smile form on his lips. Damn, you could get used to that._

_“Well Jordan, I have to admit, you are not what I expected.”_

_After a moment of hesitation you said, “well Bucky, I tend to exceed expectations.”_

_You still weren’t sure how he felt about you and you hoped you hadn’t crossed a line when you tacked on a slightly flirty tone. You didn’t miss it when the amusement danced across his eyes again. God, you wanted to pull more of that out of him._

_“That you certainly do. Wanna go for round two? This time I promise, I won’t go easy. You’re gettin' all of me sweetheart.”_


	7. stupid bathtub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i had lots of fun with this one hehe

You woke with a jolt, the water in the tub flowing over the sides. Damn, the bathwater had turned your body into a raisin and you were fucking _freezing._ The only source of light was the moon outside reflecting off the snow that coated the ground. You thought you left the light on, did the generator shut down? Pushing yourself out of the bath and hoping it was near dawn, you peered outside, disappointed as the moon shined brightly. Couldn't be after 1am. 

The dream replayed in your head, why did that specific memory bring itself to light? Bucky was stirring up all the muck that you had forced down when you left the Avengers and it was infuriating. You spent so long trying to forget about him. 

The mutual respect you and Bucky had embraced after that day was palpable. He knew you were aware of the feelings he kept for his arm and he never held back on you during a spar. The atmosphere you two created was filled with light banter and allowed Bucky to come out of his shell around the others. Everything was starting to warm up around the tower, no more eggshells were walked on or broken around Bucky. 

You were inseparable. Until that night.

“Uuuuuuuuuugh.” With a groan you dried off, threw on sweats and a sweatshirt, and crawled into bed, hoping the cold would wear off if you bundled yourself tightly enough with the blankets.

Of course, it didn’t. 

The evil voice in your head cooed, “you knoooow Bucky is a furnace, he’d warm you up in a heartbeat.” 

The wind picked up outside, making the window shake causing you to violently flinch. Your body started to shiver and reluctantly, you tossed the blankets away and grumbled your way to his room. 

Coming to a halt in front of his door, you hesitated. Would this be too weird? You didn’t exactly end on a good note with him after dinner, maybe this was a bad idea. Yeah. This was stupid. As you were about to retrace your steps back to your cold dungeon, Bucky opened the door. Half asleep and hair astray, he stood in front of you rubbing his eyes. Damn his super hearing. 

“Jordan, what’s wrong? Did something happen? Why are the lights off?” God, his sleepy voice was _so_ raspy, it sent a shiver down your spine.

“Nothing’s wrong really, I fell asleep in the bathtub and the water got cold so I got cold and there's no heater because I think the generator died and my bed is freezing and-” he cut you off, 

“So why are you here?” 

Hesitation colored his words until you glanced down at his torso, itching to touch him as you could feel the heat radiating off him even though he stood a few feet away from you. Realization took over and with a smug look, he reached for your hand, tugging you into the bedroom. 

“Come on, I don’t want you freezing to death.”

He lightly pushed you over to the bed before he crawled in and held open the covers with a pointed look. 

“It's alright, I won't bite unless you think that’ll warm you up faster?” 

“Bucky shut the fuck up and scoot over.” As much as he aggravated you, all sense of anger dissolved as you snuggled your face into his chest and he tightened the covers over your back. He hummed to himself as you shoved your leg between his, pressing your freezing toes to his calves. Your left arm slinked around his torso, sliding your hand under his shirt to press your fingers into his back.

The shivering began to subside as you matched your breathing with his. You stayed like this for a few minutes, neither of you falling asleep. The tension in his body hadn’t completely relaxed yet. He was having another internal battle with you in his arms, he knew you were freezing and wanted to warm you into sleep but the vulnerability of your position was too tempting for him not to finally speak his mind. 

His face was in your hair before he slowly began to move it down to your face. For a split second, you thought he was about to _kiss_ you and you were about to reluctantly shove him away until he began to speak with that honey, sleep-laced voice.

“I don’t regret that night we had. It was one of the best of my entire life. We finally crossed the threshold into the next step in our relationship and I couldn’t be happier to do it with you. You were always _so_ good to me at the tower and you didn’t hold back around me and you made me finally feel _comfortable_ with my new life.”

You were about to rattle off something childish but he clamped a hand over your mouth, 

“Jordan seriously, just let me finish,” he clipped at you, sliding his hand off and placing it lightly on your cheek, thumb making slow circles.

“I finally had someone who was there for me no matter what, who took me for all that I was and didn’t make me feel ashamed of what I’ve been through. You… you helped me become the person I wanted to be. You were unapologetically _you,_ and you allowed me to be unapologetically me.”

His voice was thick with emotion, more emotion than you had ever heard from him. He was silent for a few seconds before a deep breath rattled through his chest and he started again in a rush, 

“I… you... I didn’t deserve that from you. I’ve done so much damage to so many people's lives, HYDRA made me into this _thing_ that doesn’t deserve the kindness and love that you gave me, I was not- am not worthy of you and all the things you did for me, you were too _good_ for me, I was going to _fuck_ up everything we had built and I couldn’t-” 

In one swift motion, you rolled him onto his back, straddling him as you placed both hands firmly on his chest, pushing him into the bed to keep yourself steady. Disbelief painted your face, and surprise his, and you took a few seconds to calm yourself as anger and sadness coursed through your body. 

“So you're telling me… that you got up and left me after that night… and threw away our relationship… because you thought you weren't _WORTHY?”_

He stayed silent and stared into your eyes, his answer swimming in the steely blue holes in his stupid, handsome face.

Before he knew what was happening, you grabbed the pillow next to his head and started pounding his face with it. 

“BUCKY,” _smack,_ “YOU,” _smack,_ “DUMBMOTHERFUCKER,” _smack smack_. Through noises of disbelief, he tried to grab the pillow away but you were relentless. Years of pent-up anger and aggression finally spilled over as you finally knew the reason why he left you and it was so _stupid_ that you couldn’t put down the God damn pillow. 

With a grunt, he grabbed the pillow from you and rolled you over so he was on top of you, effectively pinning down your arms. The pillow fell off the bed with a sad, final _smack._

“JORDAN oh my GOD, why are you hitti-”

“BECAUSE YOU ARE THE MOST IGNORANT MAN I HAVE EVER MET,” you yelled in his face. Silence coated the bedroom, tension filled the air, and Bucky looked like you just doused him with ice water. 

“Wha-”

“Bucky. Listen. Don’t you think that maybe I treated you the way that I treated you because I wanted to? None of that “oh Bucky, you deserve kindness because of what you’ve been through” bullshit, but actual, real, genuine feelings of friendship? I treated you like you were worth it, not _because_ of the shit you went through, but because I _liked_ you. I thought you were nice and quiet, and a _good person_ so I was kind to you. No “because of’s”. You don’t deserve kindness because you went through something terrible, you deserve it in spite of that. You are not your trauma.”

His grip loosened on your wrists, your face filled with such genuine, rough emotion as he absorbed your words. 

“I can’t believe _that_ is the reason you thought you had to walk away. And you didn’t think to talk to me about it. Hadn’t I shown you that I liked you for you? Was I not _clear_ enough about my feelings for you when I asked you to come into the bedroom with me that night. Bucky we had such a solid friendship, we understood each other and I respected you _so_ much and I loved you-” you quickly cut yourself off when you felt him slightly tighten his grip on your wrists, and you started again, “I loved the relationship we had. I’m sorry if I ruined it by asking you to come to the bedroom with me that night-”

He effectively shut you up with a searing kiss, his mouth heavy and desperate as it stole the remaining words off your lips. The sudden heat of the gesture shot directly to your core, igniting the fire you thought would lay dim for the remainder of your sexual encounters. A gasping moan escaped from your chest and he took advantage by tonguing your open mouth. It was messy and breathless and _so fucking hot._

He pulled away too soon, holding himself back in an attempt to be the bigger person and actually talk to you instead of fucking your brains out. His full body weight was crushing you with each ragged breath he took, his eyes light with desire. 

“Jordan… I’m so… I’m sorry,” he finally stuttered out. “I didn’t know… I’m still not sure how to... properly express how I feel without getting freaked out.”

“Bucky… I probably shouldn’t have left after you shut me out, I should’ve tried harder-”

He cut you off _again_ with another open-mouthed kiss, this time wrapping his flesh hand around your throat.

Breaking away, exasperated, “Jordan, I swear to God if you try to apologize or justify my shitty actions _one more time_ I’ll-”

“You’ll what?” You teased out, “choke me harder?”

His eyes darkened and his hand instinctively tightened, cutting off the blood to your head for a few seconds before he slowly released you. He started to talk again before you cut him off, 

“James… I’m pretty sure we’re on the same page right now with our feelings so I need you to shut up and kis-”

For what you’re hoping was the final time, he cut you off with a kiss. This time it’s hard and to the point; touching comes now, feelings later. 

The kiss unraveled into a messy, loud, wet disaster of a make-out session. Your legs wrapped tightly around his waist, fingers wound in his hair, desperate for friction as his hands were _everywhere._ They traveled up your back, around your shoulders, in your hair, back down your back, grabbing your ass, raking fingernails over your thighs. His grip moved to your hips and he _ground_ his length into your pussy, eliciting from you the breathiest version of a moan you’ve ever heard. 

This flipped a switch for him and he immediately took control. 

“Too many clothes,” he groaned out as he sat up and pulled his shirt off, his abs taught and tan. The short hair coating his chest hit differently as you noticed he's far more chiseled than the last time you saw him. In your ogling, he impatiently forced your sweatshirt off to find you shirtless and braless underneath. For a moment, you remembered that you’re skinnier than you used to be, that your breasts have shrunk and your curves have disappeared- 

“Ohhh _fuck,_ ” you breathed out. Lusty haze took over your insecurities as he bent down and took your right nipple between his teeth, it disappeared as he swirled his tongue around it. A low ache began in your abdomen, shockingly fast, and he tugged on it before releasing it, his breath coating it in a cold shock and goosebumps erupted up and down your body. Your back arched, still desperate for some sort of friction as he began to slowly move down your stomach, kissing and licking and sucking every scar on your torso, _worshipping_ them. 

When he looked up at you from the waistband of your sweats, all sense of resolve you had broke. 

“James _please_ touch me- I need you- _fuck_ I need something-” 

He peeled down your sweats in one swift motion, throwing them to the side, to find you’re also not wearing panties. God, him kneeling over you like that made the knot in your abdomen tighten, he looked so _possessive_ and _dangerous_ and your pussy absolutely _throbbed_ at the sight. 

“ _God_ sweetheart, look at you. You’re fucking incredible,” he moaned out, eyes not leaving your center as he grabbed your leg and began kissing down your calf, to your knee, to your thigh, your breath coming out heavier and harsher with every movement downward until he finally, _finally_ met your- 

The most disgusting noise left your mouth as he took one long swipe with his tongue up your pussy, reveling in the taste of you. He couldn't help his eyes rolling into the back of his head and he groaned as he finally got to taste you again, the vibrations sending little shocks to your core. You bucked at the sensations and he harshly forced your hips to the bed with his metal arm slung over your stomach, the coldness shocking and deliberate. It was like he’s the last man on Earth, and your pussy was his last drop of water before he’s sure to die from dehydration. The man was _devouring_ you, not letting a single drop of your arousal go to waste. That tension in your abdomen traveled up your torso into your chest and bloomed into your arms and legs and you knew you’re close he just needed to-

“ _James, fuc-_ ” you cried as one hard suck on your clit and an inserted finger sent you over the edge, your body jerking and twitching against his arm as he lengthened the orgasm with another finger, moving with the motions of your body. The broken tension sent heat pulsing through all your extremities and you couldn't feel your feet anymore and his metal arm was warm against your body and you finally came down, his fingers slowly leaving you and you attempted to slow your breathing.

Opening your eyes at a new sensation, you watched as he trailed his sopping wet fingers up your torso, licking up the arousal they left behind. He did this all the way up to your mouth before he placed his fingers on your bottom lip, 

“Open,” he cooed and you happily obliged taking his fingers in your mouth, the taste of your arousal summoned another heatwave, and a soft moan vibrated in your throat. His eyes glossed over, and he’s in possessive mode again, efficiently pulling his shorts and underwear off to reveal his _monster_ cock. 

The view was so erotic. 

He sat back on his haunches between your legs, eyes dark with lust, mouth slightly parted, heavy grip at the base of his cock as he slowly racked his eyes down your body, slow breaths expanded his chest. He’s _towering_ over you and he did the thing you’ve been waiting for. _He started fucking talking._

“You did so good coming for me like that, do you want another one?” He’s _purring_ at you and all you can do was nod as you felt yourself get even wetter. 

“Let me hear you sweetheart, tell me you want another one- tell me you _need_ it.”

“Fuck, James please- I _need_ it,” you almost hated how desperate you sounded, not that you could help it, and he let out a clipped whoosh of breath at your plea. 

“God, you’re so good for me,” he’s leaning down over you, “I haven’t had anyone since you doll face,” he’s on you now, his tip brushed your entrance and you gasped, “I haven’t _wanted_ anyone but you,” he glided his cock over your entrance, readying himself with your slick. He pressed into you by an inch and stilled. You locked eyes for half a second and you’re about to ask what’s wrong when he firmly pushed all the way in, bottoming out, eliciting loud moans from both of you. 

For a long moment, you both laid there, panting heavily, feeling every inch of each other, feeling the familiarity and security you’ve both desperately missed. 

His movements started slow, he’s basking in the sensations and noises you emit, wanting to drag more out and make you beg for it. He hiked one of your thighs up, wrapping his hand under your knee, and pressed deeper inside you, hitting that spot over and over and over again, the sounds coming from you absolutely pornographic. 

“Cmon’, let it out baby- _fuck,_ let me hear how good I make you feel,” his accent growled out harsh and thick, impossibly turning you on more, and the slick of your pussy squelched as he thrust into you _hard._

The familiar tightness returned to your core when his metal fingers pinched your left nipple a little too hard and you cried out, only to have him capture it in his mouth as he crashed down to your lips. His thrusts became more erratic and rough and you knew he’s getting close, but as he moved his metal fingers from your nipple to your clit, the coldness juxtaposing the heat of your pussy, the tightness traveled up to your chest once again. 

“James- fuck, I’m close, I’m close- _fuck_ yes, _James-”_

“You feel so _good_ Jordan, _fuck_ I’m gonna-”

You both come hard and loud. The heat exploding in your chest is met with hot ropes of _him_ being shot deep inside you, his body jerking on top of you, and his desperate moans in your ear. Your feet go numb again and your mind goes blank except for the white stars dancing behind your eyelids. The tingling doesn't leave your abdomen for a long time and his arms don’t stop shaking until well after that. 

With a moan and a gasp, he pulled out of you, both sets of fluid wetting the sheets. He flopped down next to you, breathing still uneven and you see him turn to look at you in your peripheral. You face him and you stare at each other, unmoving, for what seems like an eternity. The room slowly silences as the breathing slows. 

He’s the first one to speak.

“So... is it time to talk about our feelings now?” You can feel the guarded edge in his voice so you roll yourself over to him, slinging your arm around his chest and leg around his stomach. He wraps himself around you and you feel those walls break down. 

“We can talk about it tomorrow Buck because it’s time for sleep,” you murmur, sleep slowly taking over. 

You felt a soft chuckle rumble through his chest and heard him whisper,

“Sweet dreams, my love.”


	8. vacation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :,)

Steve came to the rescue a few days later, taking Bucky back to the tower, and you back to your apartment. The following days at the cabin had been filled with sex and pasta, but no talk of feelings. You both enjoyed the days of seclusion and didn’t want to ruin any semblance of forgiveness. 

Your mission was ultimately called off by Steve, it was too close a call for you to go back out into the field. The White Raven disappeared, and you were nothing short of happy about it. While being in the field again was exhilarating and rejuvenating, the new scar that showed on your back was a reminder of the dangers you wanted to leave behind. Your exposure to Bucky also served as a reminder that you _really_ didn't want to go back to work in the tower. Being alone with him was loud and messy and sexy, and you wanted to keep it to yourself. 

The two of you didn't get a chance to talk about your feelings or what your relationship had turned into, but the look he gave you as he left the jet was nothing more than resolution and acceptance, hardening his face. It pulled a little at your chest but spending 2 days fucking Bucky Barnes would make anyone want more.

As you made your way into your little apartment, you collapsed into the couch, absolutely exhausted. The past few months took a lot out of you with the mission and Bucky and healing. All you wanted was to fall asleep for 3 weeks and wake up a new woman. Maybe you'd take a vacation. When you left the tower, Tony made sure to send you off with enough money to keep you stable "for a few years," but it could probably keep you afloat for pretty much the rest of your life. 

You took your notebook out from the drawer of your coffee table and flipped to your destination page. When you lived in the tower, You and Natasha made a list of places you wanted to visit someday without the threat of terrorists or a mission or any type of disturbances. 

**DESTINATIONS!!!!!**

_Switzerland_  
_Belize_  
_Moracco_  
_Rome_  
_New Zealand_

While your eyes glazed over imagining all the alcohol and hot men you'd drink up, a sharp _rap rap rap_ sounded at your front door. _God damn, one day of peace, that's it. That's all I need,_ you thought as you lugged yourself to the door. You pulled it open without looking through the peephole and were surprised to find Bucky standing there. You checked your watch,

"Jesus Bucky, it's been less than an hour and you already miss me?"

He looked up without any humor and your amusement promptly dissipated.

"What is it?"

"Can I come in before I dump my feelings on you?"

With a cringe, you let him in. You figured the, "we need to discuss what happened" talk was coming but hoped for at least a few more days, if not weeks before that happened. Hopefully, you'd be in Belize by then. Huh, guess it's decided, Belize it is.

"Listen Jordan, we never talked about what was going to happen with us once we got back and-"

"Buck, I'm gonna stop you right there. I get it," he quirked an eyebrow, "we had fun in the cabin but it wouldn't work because those feelings we had were 5 years old and-"

"5 years old?"

"Uh... yea?" Were they not 5 years old? Does he actually still-

"I still have the same feelings Jordan. I wouldn't have said or done all those things if I had moved on. I made a mistake shutting you out. And I'm not going to make that mistake again. If you don't feel the same anymore I get it, but I wanted to not be a dick and actually communicate with you what I was feeling. I'm sorry if this is weird and cringy but... what?"

The look on your face stopped him in his tracks. He still had feelings for you? The pull in your chest came back, but it held a different feeling. 

"You still have feelings? I thought you- or well we- were just horny..."

His face fell as he took in the gravity of your words... so you just wanted a fuck. Alright. He turned to leave, disappointment radiating off his body,

"Okay I get it, I'll leave now. Hope the best for you Jordan."

Wait what- oh SHIT.

"WAIT NO, FUCK, BUCKY!!," you lunged towards him and grabbed his arm, "I just meant that I didn't know there were feelings _behind_ the sex. I had those feelings too. I just didn't want to ruin the next day with you, we were finally not fighting each other and-"

"You have the same feelings?" He cut you off, surprise taking over.

"...yeah Buck, of course. You were my best friend. It's kinda hard to get over that. And well, of course, the sex is amaz-"  
He took one step forward tightly wrapping you in his arms, lifting your feet off the ground, causing you to shriek and wrap your legs around his waist. He held you for a few seconds before drawing back and gripping your cheek,

"So you like me, and I like you?"

With a blush, you nodded. A grin took over both of your mouths.

"Will you come back to the tower?"

Your grin faded, his shortly after. 

"Bucky... I don't want to go back. I didn't like being in the spotlight 24/7 and I like my little apartment and I want to get a low maintenance job and just enjoy the rest of my life-"

"Okay okay, I get it." He slowly let you down, his hands finding the curve of your shoulders and neck, his thumbs gently rubbed your cheeks. For a long moment, you stared at each other. 

"What if you... stayed here with me?" You asked hesitantly. 

His eyebrows jutted up with surprise, "you want me to move in with you?"

"If you want to... I want this to work between us. I... I like you Buck. I want us to work." 

His eyes glazed over for a beat, the intention behind your words clear as day.

"Okay listen, how about this," you started, attempting to distract from what you _actually_ wanted to say, "I want to take a vacation, well, I need to take a vacation. Come with me. We can go away from all this for a while and just be with each other, no distractions. Then we can talk about it again, okay?" 

He rocked back and forth on his feet, swaying both of you slightly.

"Where to?"

"I was thinking Belize?"

"Belize? Hmmm..."

He was silent for a moment, pondering his decision. Your eyes racked up and down his face as he thought. His eyes left yours and they were scanning the windows to your back. They were red-rimmed you noticed, had he been crying, or did he not sleep well at the cabin? You had a lot of sex, but you still got your fair share of sleep-

"Okay."

"Yeah?"

"Yes." The smile returned to his face and he looked down at your pink face and leaned in, giving you the most gentle kiss you've ever experienced. There was no urgency behind it, no aggression, like all the ones you shared at the cabin. It was firm and gentle, full of promises and love. It left you breathless. 

When he pulled away, he touched his forehead to yours and you stood, slightly swaying, for a few minutes until he placed a small kiss on your forehead and pulled away.

"So, when are we leaving?"

\----

**3 WEEKS LATER**

When the final plane landed back home, you were exhausted, the _I just had an amazing vacation_ type of exhausted. The trip was amazing, the beaches warm, and the alcohol tasty. You and Bucky didn't talk about the implications of your relationship, you just lived in it. Everything came easy to the both of you and it was the most relaxed you had been in _years_. 

The drive home was quiet and comfortable. You both decided spending the night at your place would be the easiest, and when you got to your apartment, you threw down all your suitcases and slumped to the couch with an _oof._

It took about 5 minutes for either one of you to break the silence.

"Want to take a shower with me?" You asked, turning your gaze on him.

"Of course," he sent you a small smirk before you threw a pillow at him.

The shower ultimately ran its course without any inappropriate activities. He washed your hair for you which was a surprisingly intimate gesture. You let yourself lean your back into his front as he massaged your scalp and down your neck. You repaid the favor, though it was hard as he was so much bigger than you. With lots of laughs and burning soap in his eyes, you both got out of the shower and crawled into bed naked. 

"Jordan?"

"Bucky?"

"I'd love to move in with you."

You jerked up on your elbow, "Really?"

He gave you a small, tired smile and pulled you down to his lips, placing a gentle kiss on the corner of your mouth before whispering, "yes, my love," in your ear. 

Before you could stop yourself, you threw yourself on top of him and placed hundreds of tiny kisses all over his face. He _giggled_ at your affection and grabbed your face to force you to kiss him on the lips. It started out gentle, but you felt him quickly grow against your damp center, reigniting the fire you had been tending while you vacationed in Belize. You ground down on him and he grabbed your jaw harshly, breaking the kiss,

"Someone's excited," he hissed as you pressed down again, coating him.

"How could I not be _James,_ I'll have you underneath me whenever I want," you said with a pointed look. 

He swiftly flipped you over, pinning you to the mattress. Instead of kissing you like you were expecting, he loosened his grip on your jaw and slid his hand to your cheek. His eyes burned with a new look as you squirmed underneath him, blushing suddenly at the intensity. He shifted slightly to press his cock firmly on your clit and your breath hitched. He watched you like a hawk as he kept moving ever so slightly, giving you the smallest amount of friction before pulling away. 

"God, you're so beautiful," he said as he dipped his thumb into your mouth, "I could do this to you for the rest of my life."

When you wrapped your lips around his thumb and sucked, his cock twitched and he dipped his head slightly, eliciting a long moan. 

" _Fuck,_ Jordan, I'll never get enough of you." He took his newly wet thumb out of your mouth and dipped it in between your bodies, skillfully finding your clit while looking back up at your face. He circled your nub before sliding his middle finger between your folds, coating his cock with your arousal. The breathlessness of your moan was quickly replaced by a guttural cry as he pressed into you with ease. His torso shook when he bottomed out, his left arm reaching up to grab your wrist and trap it above your head. 

"James, _God,_ you're so good- you feel so good-" your words died at your lips when he started slowly moving, each thrust as gentle as the next one, his eyes never leaving yours. That same intensity was there and you felt your body heat up at the fire in his eyes. He was moving too slow, you squeezed your pussy around him, his eyes rolled into the back of his head as the air left his lungs. 

He quickened his pace, your bed frame hitting the wall at a steady pace. His hand made its way back to your clit before you ripped your wrist from his grasp and rolled him over so you were on top, the sensation overwhelming. He hit that _spot_ when you started moving, started grinding on his waist. His hands found your hips as he helped move you, back and forth before bringing you up and down on his cock. The sounds were slapping throughout the bedroom, your cries loud and dirty as his hand felt for your clit. The familiar tightness in your abdomen built up, tightening your pussy around him. His resolve was breaking and he pulled you down to him, bringing his hips up to meet yours as he fucked you from underneath. 

The tightness expanded into your chest and arms and legs as his thrusts became more erratic. Your hand slid in between your bodies once more, only needing a singular touch to your clit before the tension snapped and you bit down hard on his shoulder as the heat shot to your fingers and toes. With a groan, he released into you, grunting dirty Russian words into the air as you rode out his orgasm. 

When you could feel your feet again, you raised your head to meet his eyes. He was already looking down at you with a weird expression on his face. 

"Why does your face look like that?" You croaked out.

"Mmmmm... I have something to say and I'm not sure how you're going to react..." He seemed _nervous_ which was an interesting look. 

"Well spit it out Buck, I need to go pee-"

"I love you- I'm in love with you, Jordan..." he said in a rush, his arms tightening around you like you were going to run away from his words. 

"Oh... my God," you said with a start, your heart threatening to beat out of your chest.

"Jesus, that's not what I wanted to hear-"

"I fucking _knew_ it! You love me!! HA, Bucky Barnes _loves_ me-"

He pushed you off him, astonished at your exclamation. 

"Jordan, what the fu-"

"Oh James, I love you too-" you cut yourself off by reaching over and kissing him hard. He smiled into the kiss and grabbed your face with his hands, deepening the kiss with a relieved sigh while rolling over on top of you. When he broke away to look at you, his eyes were _shining_ with happiness. 

"I've known for a while, I just wanted to see if you were going to say it before I did," you told him with a mischievous look. He gaped,

"Jordan, what the Hell. That's so mean," he said without any malice before kissing you again. 

"I don't care, I love you, I love you, _I love you, James Barnes."_

Before you both fell asleep, you whispered back and forth I love you's until you were sure your dreams would be filled with nothing but each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it!! i had lots of fun writing this and I have plenty more ideas brewing hehe
> 
> ty all for kudos and such, <3


End file.
